Training camp traditions are simply priceless

Dec 19, 2023

Aug 5, 2023

By Bill Contz

For the Mirror

NFL teams require most personnel under contract to report to training camp in late July.

Said personnel complies reluctantly and usually on a day with a heat index exceeding triple digits.

This triggers a feeding frenzy among the local media that flock to various small college dormitories hoping to either secure an exclusive interview with a top draft pick, identify players sporting much-improved physiques or any tricked out, customized modes of transportation that have been idling too long in the nearby towaway zone.

This spectacle mirrors how paparazzi behave during the red-carpet ceremony at the Oscars with the exception being those garnering all the attention are in the process of hauling their personal belongings into facilities offering spartan living conditions.

Since camp involves sequestering individuals for an extended period of time, the media treat the occasion as if the players are convicted felons out on bail returning to the courthouse for sentencing.

Reporters accompanied by their camera crews at this annual pilgrimage are a near certainty so I always thought it would be amusing to see some late model van pull up then have some cagey veteran tumble out of it — a la Jeff Spicoli in Fast Times At Ridgemont High — and stagger into the dormitory.

The scribes would have a field day with that.

Last week in Latrobe, Steeler long snapper Christian Kuntz and punter Pressley Harvin lugged a giant massage chair down a flight of concrete steps and found a way to wedge it inside the building.

My first thought was to ponder the strenuous physical activity long snappers and punters exert during camp and wonder if it warrants the use of such a contraption. I also wondered why both wouldn’t just hire professional movers to navigate narrow entries better suited for duffel bags and footlockers.

For most NFL hopefuls, training camp is a monotonous, exhausting grind.

I consider this short list essential to successfully negotiate this unique camping experience: High speed fans, air conditioners and extra mattress padding.

All are a must since double occupancy dorm rooms are stuffy, claustrophobic and boast sleeping quarters exclusively enjoyed by members of a women’s gymnastics team.

Asking 300-pound behemoths to exist in relative harmony for an extended period without these items is a recipe for disaster. A cool, comfortable climate is crucial to this species’ survival.

An eye mask with built-in bluetooth headphones is key. Players spend much of their free time trying to secure enough rest to get through the next practice. An abnormally large, snoring roommate presents a major obstacle to achieving this goal.

Duct tape. Every camper’s arch-nemesis is the kid (usually some nephew of one of the team owners) in charge of the air horn. This miscreant derives pleasure from rising before dawn, sneaking into the stairwell of the player’s dormitory then blaring the horn for a minimum of 15 seconds on each floor before exiting the building.

He is more hated than post-practice gassers, and savvy veterans will usually wait until the final week of camp to catch, then duct tape him to the nearest lamp post.

The time when large men gather for purposes of occasionally inflicting pain and suffering upon one another all the while dwelling in cramped quarters is upon us — an annual rite of passage the media help us indulge in.

Viva le camp!

Contz was a starting offensive tackle on Penn State’s first national championship team in 1982 and played six NFL seasons with New Orleans and Cleveland. He published a book in 2017, “When the Lions Roared: Joe Paterno and One of College Football’s Greatest Teams.” He resides in Pittsburgh.

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